On Canadians and Where to Find Them

The natural habitat of Canadians is the shopping mall. Indeed, some shopping malls even have cities attached for extra convenience. The Food Court at the mall represents Canadian multiculturalism at its purest: it's clean and climate-controlled, and all the cultures of the world are reduced to fast food.

On How to Speak Canadian

The BBC calls it Canada's 'national tic.' A multilayered single-syllable symphony, theinterjection 'eh?' is as elemental as the first letter of the alphabet, and yet requires years of diligent study to master. An agreement looking to happen, it is always followed by a question mark. Asked to spell 'Canada,' the average Canadian will unconsciously pronounce it C eh? N eh? D eh? and so on.

On Sexual Perversions, and the Lack Thereof

What this country needs is a perversion it can call its own. A national fetish, if you will. (RoyalCommissions don't count.) Maybe we should all just move to Newfoundland. After all, in every national survey ever conducted, Newfoundlanders rank as having--far and away--the most sex of any Canadians. They also rank as the friendliest people in Canada. Why are they so friendly? Because they want to have sex with you.